Next year will be the 20^{th<\/sup> anniversary of the first anniversary of 9-11.<\/p>\n\n\n\n}

How should we commemorate, what\u2019s the proper tone?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finding again that balance of somber and patriotic, but never too somber not to be hopeful. Americans are a positive people. Hopefulness expresses collective determination, but camouflages patriotism\u2019s innate battle cry with compulsory respect for military personnel and first responders \u2013 that\u2019s always worked, some variation will probably persist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Always Remember\u2026 Never Forget\u2026 what used to be prayer seem now ultimatum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe that will change by the year after next (2023), that will be the first anniversary of one full year of 9-11 closure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We could never reproduce the sincerity of the first commemoration \u2013  reading of the names live from the pile, listened to the ceremonies by radio the next two, maybe three years \u2013 went out of our way to observe each moment of silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even went down to the first Exchange Place ceremonies, Jersey City has its own memorial. World Trade Center Beam \u2013 tower wreckage turned into shrines for first responders and\/or fallen soldiers can be found in dozens of patriotic parks in the tristate area \u2013 but here is where the rescue effort was staged after the buildings fell. This place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I live near the western Hudson, a splendid walk I often take. The World Trade Center was my daily horizon for a decade, a guiding star. When the girlfriend and I first moved to Jersey City, we bought a disposable camera and took pictures of each other with the landmark in the background. We remembered when the local Channel 11 used the towers in its logo\u2026 talking about the childhood cartoons they showed on weekday afternoons after school always made us laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had never been to Exchange Place before, or experienced its breathtaking Manhattan view.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ten years later, one sunny September Tuesday, pillars of smoke replaced what we took for granted as a permanent horizon. Only two directions to go when I leave my apartment \u2013 anywhere that\u2019s not New York City, or towards the Towers \u2013 at the gym, I watched the second plane collide \u2013 then went outside, the sky now the smoke I just saw on TV.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Later, ferries and tugboats unloaded groups of evacuees. I remember grimy faces bleeding from minor lacerations \u2013 a guy in a suit that was coated in dust, chalky gray \u2013 same veneer on everyone getting off the boats \u2013 office workers, people you see on the PATH every day.  Nobody knew anything, just a lot of smoke and noise and falling debris. They were worried about getting home. The responders brought order to chaos.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next day, the sirens were fewer, no new emergency vehicles speeding to the pier. People were being accounted for. My apartment building had all the tenants check in with management. You asked everyone you knew and everyone asked you, do you know any one missing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s when or soon thereafter the pictures appeared, holiday snapshots, prom and wedding photographs photocopied with names and eye color and other identifying information on the pages taped to bus shelters, stapled to telephone poles.  Maybe they were wandering concussed, or somebody saw them in an emergency room. Please call this number.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two tractor trailer trucks, refrigerated long haulers, parked on Grand Street, near one of the docking sites. Tropicana. The trucks were shiny black like wet tar but the bright lettering and succulent citrus shone incandescent. Why this much orange juice?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, spreading murmurs explained.  They\u2019re empty, they\u2019re for the bodies.  Earlier, there were news stories about potential body bag shortages. They were bracing the public for the official announcement that the search for survivors was ending and there may be footage of corpses<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That smell of the smoke, intensely acrid. It clogged the pores on your face and hands and arms. Gritty, felt like sand in your hair. We waited, gradually realizing that no more bodies were going to be found and the particle-ridden stench that made you undress and shower immediately upon coming home included the as yet unidentified 2,996 murdered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This year, the three weeks leading up to 9-11 commemorations, Afghanistan pervaded our hearts and minds.  Final phase of a peace deal with the Taliban where the Afghan Government was not even invited to negotiations \u2013 we\u2019re told the government was corrupt, so nobody really wanted to fight insurgents to save it \u2013 two decades of war, over \u2013 and other than finally getting out, little to be proud of, unless you count dignified surrender. Let\u2019s hope this new peace lasts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While many Americans are at fault \u2013 the one for whom I have utter disgust \u2013 is Colin Powell \u2013 he lied to the world \u2013 speaking at the U.N. \u2013 declaring  an alliance between Bin Laden and Saddam. As if anything about Islamic nations ever had a simplistic explanation. I actually respected him, what little I could muster for any republican or military leader.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

State-sponsored terrorism was all anyone knew, Iraq had oil and corporate allies and if we are to logically fight a war on terror we need to wage an even more massive war in Iraq, who we did beat once, as the royal dictators of Kuwait can attest. It seemed circumstantially sensible, even though Powell barely proved his argument \u2013 he read from the transcript excerpt of a tapped phone call, showed blurry surveillance images \u2013 weapons of mass destruction here, friends with Saddam there \u2013 more passion than I\u2019ve ever seen him express before or since, but now even the shortest clips of him get me overwhelmingly appalled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But at that time, I trusted this media persona, this loyal soldier, an achiever who is modest, not even a hint of arrogance. Why wonder about how scant and questionable the Intel was, if you\u2019re unable to believe a celebrity like Colin Powell, your cynicism towards America knows no limit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Within a year, I hated myself for supporting the Iraq War and for giving any credence to the motivations of anyone in the Bush Administration. If you can\u2019t trust Colin, who can you trust \u2013 no Republican ever since, that\u2019s for sure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

9-11 ceremonies and their coverage took on new emotional drudgeries \u2013  discussions about not politicizing them only antagonized the  how should 9-11 be commemorated debate \u2013 let\u2019s take the politics out but not the patriotism \u2013 national interest demands the oil fields must be secured! Mission Accomplished.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wonder how many generations it took for Memorial Day to become the first day of summer, sorrow free, loud shopping mall sales or community barbecues or first drive down the shore of the year?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you have to convince yourself to feel grief, then what you\u2019re feeling is something malleable that looks and sounds enough like grief to justify symbols and gestures also used by conservatives and republicans. If you don\u2019t support them, why are you wearing this or saying that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I bought an American flag lapel pin, the smallest I could find at one of those 14^{th<\/sup> Street stores \u2013 where there\u2019s no door or cash register \u2013 sad souvenirs and cheap leather accessories, belts and wallets and fingerless gloves. The flag pin had never been this popular, flags were everywhere. I pinned it to my black denim jacket, I still felt young enough to be trendy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n}

I stopped wearing that pin completely well before the \u201903 9-11 and by the \u201804 9-11, any commemoration was a burden. The 9-11 grief that lingered was anger at my country. My rare expression of patriotism now symbolized public support for wars that needed ending.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Powell proved the Republican Party\u2019s only policy mission was to enrich oil companies. Giving Powell the benefit of the doubt was the patriotic thing, that\u2019s why it was wrong. Patriotism insists compassion be selective. Killing is necessary and death is an acceptable means of achieving the only goals leaders have proclaimed worth defending\u2026 no, no more, never again, not I. Nations are constructs. One people, one planet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Regret or insist that war was right but mistakes kept victory out of reach, doesn\u2019t matter much now and no one can know how little that will matter a decade hence. But, war is wrong and so are you and so were they.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Patriotism is not worth murder and destruction\u2013 surely, even bravery and courage deserve no esteem when used to kill and destroy. Patriotism coopts many ideals \u2013 grief, faith, loyalty \u2013 add fear and pride \u2013 then war feels more justified. In the line of duty, given how things turned out, seems more hollow excuse than undisputable honor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 Unless, you don\u2019t support our troops. Now, you\u2019re disrespecting the grief of those families.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve all been used\u2026 it\u2019s over, even the guilt. Let\u2019s just share some silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Genuine grief is always in flux. It may flare but eventually fades into manageable portions. Love of country lasts longer, a better buzz, keeps giving, assuages sadness into something positive and what\u2019s more optimistic than being on the winning side of democracy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not grief\u2019s fault patriotism dupes us. Without patriotism, there can be no war. Who still has the energy to argue, it\u2019s not our nation\u2019s first defeat. Nothing short of pacifism for me; from now on the personal is political.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was a river away from the attack \u2013 where this period now past started \u2013 and where whatever 9-11 feeling should be expressed can still be found. Truth is nuanced and conflicted, be ready to seek wisdom in apparent contradictions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I rarely think about the actual eleventh of September when I return to Exchange Place and contemplate the river.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Except on 9-11. I \u2018m at that pier that day every year, look at the river and Manhattan like I always do but instead think about what I can\u2019t forget.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shock and grief were exploited by greedy war mongers who wanted to keep civilization fueled by a deadly pollutant that has disrupted the weather system endangering us all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

9-11 became a duty, at least the ceremonies and commemorations. Eventually any sadness was gone, the actual injury healed. Every anniversary felt like when someone in your family suddenly dies, and at the funeral you have to greet all the mourners and there\u2019s friends of the departed you never met or barely knew. Their consolations are genuine, but their significant others who never met you or the departed, can only mean well. You\u2019re grateful, they\u2019re sincere. But you both are wishing you were talking to someone else, which doesn\u2019t make what is said any less well meant, just more strained and superficial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If it happens, we will probably not live long enough to see politics disconnected from 9-11, but now perspectives can attain a fresh distance. The war is over, send in the historians.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The smoke went away then many years later a replacement WTC spired up, very silvery, a pleasant beacon vibe. I have to be near the river to really see it.  On the Jersey City side, only new sky scrapers allowed. Layers of geometric clutter fill my current skyline, nothing as imposing as the Twin Towers, but more to see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every year what I think about the most on my annual 9-11 pilgrimage to Exchange Place \u2013 those Tropicana Tractor Trailers and the smoke you couldn\u2019t stop smelling, that stuck to your hair and skin, but the trucks the most. A street had to be cleared for them to park then they drove away empty while new fliers of the missing kept appearing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Authors note: Other writings about and photographs of  9-11 by Timothy Herrick can be found here,<\/a> here<\/a>, here<\/a>, and here.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One photograph is featured n Envisioning New Jersey: An Illustrated History of the Garden State (Rivergate Regionals Collection), available here<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner of the 2018 Award of Merit and the 2018 Leadership in History Award from the American Association for State and Local History; Winner of the 2017 New Jersey Studies Academic Alliance Author Award<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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